OK, this is the blog where I spill my guts out in story about when I told my mom I was gay. It start's like this, I was at my mom's house, and I was in the middle of switching medications. For the record, I was taking the anti-depressant Lexapro 20mmg (now I take 40mmg of Prozac). But anyway, I was in my room laying on my bed and watching TV. Bored. The news was on and they were remembering the first time a McDonalds opened in Russia. I got incredibly board, so I went downstairs and into my mother's room. She was also watching TV and laying on her king sized bed. There was no room on the bed, so I plopped down on the floor and leaned against her narrow-and-tall dresser. The dresser had my mom's wedding rose, encased in a cubic glass container, sitting on top of it.
"Hey Mom? Do you remember when the first McDonalds was built in Russia?" I asked. I was kind of acting stupid, and she noticed.
"Do what?" she asked. She was kind of annoyed.
"You know, the McD---"
Suddenly, my mother's wedding rose fell from the dresser because I had leaned against it. It fell in slow motion as I leaned foreword. It crashed directly on top of my head and smashed into a bugazillion pieces. I took of the wedding rose hat.
"Oh Mom! That was your wedding rose! I'm so sorry! I--"
"It's alright Jordan, are you ok? Here, help me pick up the pieces of glass."
I got the vacuum and helped her pick up the big pieces. We cleaned it up and she got back up on the bed. I sat down on the floor and stayed awhile. I felt so bad; I knew that I had broken a precious piece of my mother's marriage.
I couldn't take it any longer. I couldn't be in the same room with her. I left her room and fell down on the stairs, a quiet, overlooked area. It was around nine o'clock, so it was dark and hard to see. I put my head in my hands as tears flowed out of my eyes. I made no noise, though. It was like I was hit with this huge wave of depression. I kept on having skitsophrienic (I know I can't spell) visions of this girl murdering herself. There was blood everywhere, and it was snowing. The blood was all over the snow. These "nightmares" occurred only whenever I closed my eyes, so I kept them open. It was dark, so the blackness didn't help. I tried to interpret these images. It hit me. The girl in the vision was me; I would murder myself later on tonight.
I walked upstairs to my room and searched for anything that had the potential to kill. I threw some items on the bed: a pencil, a coat hanger, a heavy lamp. No, no, no! This wasn't right. These would be too messy, they would leave blood everywhere! I've got it!! Poison! I ran into my bathroom and opened the cleaner cabinet. Orange-clean, Bleach, Pine Fresh... I couldn't decide, so I smelled them all and bleach was the most potent. I prepared my room and hid the bleach between my night table and my bed where it couldn't be seen.
I walked downstairs to be with my family one last time. My mother and step-father were lying down on their bed. When they saw me come in, they stirred. My mother got up and began tidying up her room, I helped her. Of course, I was depressed, and apparently, it showed.
"Is something wrong, Jordan, I'm your mother and you can tell me anything." she said.
“No, I’m fine…” I stated, trying not to cry. She looked at me.
I went upstairs and readied for bed as normal. I decided I would pray before I… well you know. “Dear heavenly Father…”
There was a knock on the door, my mother walked in and settled on my bed.
“There’s something wrong, I expect you to tell me. …As your mother.” She said in a comefortable tone. She stood up and walked to the side of my bed. She layed down beside me.
“Is it something about school??” she quized.
“No”
“Is it about yourself?? Something you can’t change??”
There was a brief silence. “Yeah… I guess”
“So do you like guys?”
“Yeah…”
So the conversation went on and on. She told me that she loved me, first off. Then she started talking about how the last time I was sick, my brother cried. The point is, though, she loved me, and my brother loved me, and my father loved me also.
I felt great and so very relieved. I felt inspired to write a long boring blog that you just read!
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